


(you are) the peace of my soul

by LtTanyaBoone



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Fake Marriage, Trans Female Character, pride month pieces
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 05:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19419754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtTanyaBoone/pseuds/LtTanyaBoone
Summary: Three stand-alone Cophine stories I wrote for Pride Month 2019





	1. trans AU

**Author's Note:**

> i know that, when i originally started doing Every Me and Every You, i said i wouldn't do a fill for the "trans AU". i, kind of changed me mind, hence how this happened. cisclaimer: i am a cis lesbian. and for trans!delphine, i have to recommend the story i read years ago on that topic, a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/9819026">"Betrayals" by Bitterblue
> 
> the title for this is a translation from a line from ["Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai"](https://open.spotify.com/track/2LcXJP95e4HKydTZ2mYfrx), a song from the movie "Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi". or, if you watched Sense8, it's the song at Kala's engagement party.

Cosima has lost count of the number of times she had this conversation before. It’s been, a lot of times, since she got really active in the support group the college runs, for LGBTQ+ students.

_It’ll be okay. Take a deep breath. You’re save here. Come in if you like. You don’t have to, but you’re always welcome here. We’re happy to see you and so glad you’re with us. You can come by anytime you like. No one will laugh at you, you’ll be alright. We love you and we’re here for you, anytime._

Then again, she’s not entirely sure when the last time was that she had to made it five times, in variations, to the same person.

The brunette draws a deep breath, watching the back of the blonde that’s sitting on the concrete steps up to the community center. She wipes her hands on her skirts and starts approaching slowly.

“Hey,” Cosima offers a cheery greeting as she sits down, leaving some space between herself and the blonde. She stretches out her legs, her nose crinkling when she realizes how much shorter they are, compared to the blonde’s.

Cosima leans back, bracing her weight on her hands behind her back. Looks up into the slowly darkening sky. It’s getting late, she thinks. It won’t be long until the lamps come on. Cosima crosses her legs at the ankles, contemplating her options.

“The hair looks great,” she remarks, watching the blonde. The other woman reaches up, running her hand through her curls. Bunches them up briefly, before letting go and allowing them to fall back down. They are just a little longer than her jawline now. It looks, looks great. Much better than the wigs.

Not that, that wigs are bad. That’s not what Cosima thinks. She gets that they are important. Incredibly important. They can be an immense help, in making someone feel at home, in their own body. Can help with figuring all of this, this stuff out. And they’re a great tool for people that, for whatever reason, cannot commit to present as their gender full time.

This girl, pardon, this woman, however, she’d seemed, more insecure with the thing than without it. The first two times Cosima saw her and she wore it. Before her hair started to grow out and curl and the cut it had been in had no longer been recognizable, thanks to the thickness of her curls.

“Thank you,” the blone murmurs, making Cosima do a double take. Nice voice, she thinks, wondering if complimenting her on that would be, out of line.

It’s higher than the very first time she heard her speak, but lower than the last two. Sounds more comfortable. Less strained. More, natural.

That’s, that’s good, Cosima thinks. That she’s finding a way, to be herself, within the limits of her body. Isn’t trying to push it beyond its limits, in a way that might cause damage.

“Can I,” the blonde begins, before swallowing thickly. Clears her throat before tilting her head back a little, to look up at the sky. Cosima does the same, her eyes finding a lone star, just a moment before the outside lamps come to life.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Cosima nods before tilting her head. “You can always ask. I do reserve the right not to answer overly personal questions, but you’re free to pose them,” she answers.

She firmly believes in there being no stupid questions. Not when it comes to, to this. To members of their own community. Cosima does take issue with members outside the rainbow acronym asking invasive questions, or just basic ones that they could have gotten answered with one simple Google search. She’s not here to educate cisgender straight allosexual people, especially not when it’s things that they could easily learn from the Internet or books, if they really cared about this. About being a good ally. Being an ally, it means educating yourself on the community to claim to be an ally to. If they’re not willing to do even that little, well, Cosima can piss on their allyship.

She hears the blonde draw a slow breath. Thinks she might be bracing herself, could be trying to find the right words.

“If there was, a switch,” she starts, her brows dipping slightly. She did a good job, with the makeup, Cosima thinks suddenly. It’s, understated, but there. Brings out her features, the big eyes with that mix of green and brown that always makes her wonder which color it is she has listed in her ID.

“A switch?” Cosima echoes with a tilt of her head, intrigued where this is heading.

“Hm,” the blonde nods. “Yes. A switch where, if you flicked it, you would wake up the next morning, completely normal. Would you, if you had the opportunity, would you…”

“Would I flick it?” Cosima finishes for her. The blonde swallows thickly before nodding.

“Yes,” she confirms. “Would you, use the switch.”

Cosima draws a deep breath. Closes her eyes for a moment, allowing her lungs to hold in the air before she lets it out in a measured exhales.

“That depends,” she allows. “That switch… what exactly does it do?” she inquires. Watches as the blonde frowns at her.

“There is two options, aren’t there?” she poses. “One, I flick the switch, society changes. Everything I am, my sexuality, my romantic attraction, it’s no longer an issue. I’m accepted just as I am, right here, right now,” Cosima says before pursing her lips.

“The, second option,” she continues, “it’s that I change. I flick the switch, and I’m suddenly attracted to men. Or, since I am thinking we’re talking about you, actually, the second option would mean that you’re able to feel at home, in your old body. With the sex and gender assigned to you at birth,” she explains.

The other woman ducks her head, rubbing her palms over her thighs.

“Which one are we talking about?” she asks.

“The, the second one,” the whispers, making Cosima let out a low hum. 

“Then no,” the brunette shakes her head. “I wouldn’t use the switch,” she tells the other woman. “Because as far as I am concerned, I am normal.”

She hears the blonde let out a scoff at those words. It stings, her reaction, but Cosima doesn’t blame her.

It took her so long, to get to this point. Years and years, of active work, on her own biases, on the internalized ideas she has, that were drilled into her by a society that sees being cisgender and heterosexual as the norm and anything else as “other than”, as different. As, in some way, defective.

“I know, I know,” she sighs with a shake of her head. “But this… I worked hard, for this,” she continues, her brows dipping into a frown. “I’ve worked fucking hard, to accept myself the way I am. There’s so much internalized shit I’ve had to examine and try to get out of my head. About myself and my attraction and sexuality, until I finally got here. Where I know I am normal, I’m not a freak, what I feel it not a shameful secret that needs to be kept quiet. I am happy, the way I am. I have fought for this. They don’t get to take that away from me, ever again.”

Does she have moments where she wavers? Of course. Cosima has lost count, of the times in the past where she felt _wrong_ somehow. Where she felt that her attraction was something shameful that had to be hidden away. But at least now she knows that those feelings are wrong and that she’s not alone with her experience. She has friends like herself that she can talk to and be honest with and they will make sure she knows she’s loved and accepted just the way she is.

The blonde lets out a ragged breath and shakes her head, hiding her face in her hands.

“I wish I could say that,” she mutters, her voice muffled by her hands.

Cosima swallows, inclining her head. She wants to tell her that things will get better. That, in time, with therapy, and surrounding herself with people that are accepting of her, and love her for who she is, the blonde will get to the same point. But she just can’t make herself say it. Thinks that it would sound, like a stupid phrase, some platitude. That it might seem like she’s making light, of what the other woman is going through and struggling with. Which Cosima doesn’t want to do. She wants to acknowledge the messed up side of this, the struggle, the unfairness of it all.

She scoots closer and carefully reaches out. Rests her hand on the blonde’s back, offering her silent reassurance.

They just sit like this, for a few moments, both lost in their own thoughts, before it seems like the blonde relaxes slightly.

Cosima withdraws her hand and pulls out a name tag and sharpie from her back pocket. Offers them to the woman.

The other woman looks down at the items before taking them. Smooths out the name tag on her thigh, her thumbnail running around the edge of it as she worries at her lower lip.

“Just, as a reference,” Cosima pipes up, “we have another question mark tonight, so you need to use two. Or come up with another symbol. Or name.”

The blonde lets out a humorless chuckle as she shakes her head.

“Do you always do this?”

“Do what?”

“Spend half of the meeting sitting outside, trying to get someone to come in,” the blonde shakes her head. Looks up and meets Cosima’s eyes for a moment, before looking away again, and the brunette has to bite back a cheer of absolute joy.

She’s not entirely sure if the other woman realizes how huge that small moment just was. She’s never done that before. Met Cosima’s eyes, that is. She’s looked in her face, yes, but never head-on like this. It’s big and she feels like they should, should celebrate this.

“I’m not here to talk you into anything,” she replies with a small shake of her head, moving away slightly, to give the other woman more space. “I’m just, offering a shoulder, and an ear, if you’d like them. If not, tell me to scram, and I will,” she shrugs with a slight tilt of her head.

“But between us… I thought you might like the company. And could do, with someone gently coaxing you inside. If that’s not what you want…” she trails off, lifting her hands up in a gesture of surrender.

The blonde sighs loudly, reaching up again to run her hand through her curls.

“I don’t know what I want,” she mutters softly with a shake of her head. “Maybe I do need the, encouragement,” she allows, brows furrowing as she glares at the name tag. “I mean, I can’t even figure out a name for myself, for Heaven’s sake.”

“Haven’t found one you like yet?” Cosima asks her before wincing.

“Forget I said that,” she quickly adds, but the blonde is already looking at her, her eyes wide and sad and just, she looks so much like a damn puppy Cosima just wants to wrap her up in her arms and hug her.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes. “There’s no, no time limit, for this. Everyone’s got their own pace.”

“But most of everyone has a name by now, don’t they?” the other woman insists before looking down at the nametag on her thighs again.

“Maybe,” Cosima allows. “I guess they’ve at least found one they can use as a sort of, in-between, I guess. One that’s not their birth name, one they are comfortable being called. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll end up keeping it permanently. Some people find the perfect name immediately, others experiment with a bunch of them.”

The blonde swallows thickly, a ragged breath escaping her. Cosima watches her worry at her bottom lip again.

“There’s honestly no name you’ve come across so far that you, connected with? None you even liked, just a tiny bit?” Cosima asks, wanting to stop the other woman from overthinking what it might mean, if she puts down a name instead of her usual question mark.

“It’s, it’s stupid,” she whispers. “Overkill.”

“Nothing’s stupid when it comes to figuring yourself out,” Cosima insists. “I’m not lying when I tell you that I’ve met trans women who went by the name ‘Elle’, and that wasn’t a stupid thing,m either. So whatever it is you have found that you like, I promise you, it’s not stupid, and I really think you should give it a try.”

The blonde swallows again, hesitating.

“Delphine,” she finally breathes, her voice barely audible. Cosima watches her clench her eyes shut, the woman trembling slightly. “I, I like, Delphine,” she whispers.

Cosima hesitates, for a moment. She fully believes in letting everyone set their own pace. Believes that nothing good will come from pushing someone when it comes to these things. They need to happen when the person is ready for them, and Cosima really tries to provide a space and community where people feel save to take the next steps in their journeys.

But this woman, Delphine, she’s been coming here for a while, and Cosima can see how much she’s struggling. How torn she is. And something makes her think, maybe she’s just, waiting for permission. Permission that this is okay, that she can be herself. That she’s allowed to try different things. Allowed to be herself, whoever that might be. If she needs more time, to settle on a name, then Cosima fully believes that she should have it. Should have all the time in the world that she needs. But maybe, just maybe, she already has had enough time, and what she needs, is a gentle nudge.

So, following an impulse, Cosima pulls another nametag from the back pocket of her pants. Grabs the sharpie from Delphine’s hand, eliciting a soft exclamation of protest as she does.

Cosima ignores it, starting to write on the tag on her thighs instead. Scribbles the name Delphine just gave her on it, before lifting it off the paper and putting the tag onto the other woman’s chest.

“There,” she declares with a satisfied nod.

It’s crooked. She didn’t put the tag on right, it’s slanted to one side, and her handwriting is truly horrible. She didn’t even wait long enough for the ink to dry, so the last letter, the small ‘e’, is smudged nearly to the point of being unreadable.

Delphine looks down at her chest. Frowns at the tag and tugs on her shirt, trying to read the name. Cosima sees her brows dip and the blonde’s lips curve into a small smile for just a moment, before her face crumbles and she bursts into tears. Delphine reaches up to hide her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with sobs.

“Oh Delphine,” Cosima whispers, scooting back to the woman’s side, so that their bodies are touching and she’s pressed against the blonde. Wraps her arms around the other woman in a tight hug.

“It’s okay,” she murmurs, rubbing her hand over the blonde’s back in an effort to comfort her. “It’s gonna be okay. I promise, you’ll be alright, it’ll be okay,” Cosima tells her. Repeats it over and over again as Delphine sobs, the brunette’s heart aching for the blonde.

* * *

Cosima tosses her bag onto the kitchen counter before setting her keys next to it. Leans against it with her hip as she starts going through the mail.

Bill. Bill. Oh look, another bill. Random advertisement, which reminds her, she has to make an appointment to get her eyes checked and get a new pair of glasses. She doesn’t think she needs new lenses necessarily, but the frame is pretty banged up, and before she gets a new one with old specs, she’d rather have her sight checked to make sure that these are still accurate.

The brunette shakes her head, starting to walk down the hallway, towards their home offices. Where she hopes, very much, to find the other resident of the household.

Speaking of insurance, there’s a letter from hers, and Cosima bites back a groan, before she continues through the stack. Another bill, a letter from her mom-

She pauses in her tracks at the sight of the next envelope. Carefully runs her fingers over it, her eyes widening when she realizes what’s probably in there.

Cosima hurries down the hallway, rapping her knuckles against the wood of the door to their office.

Delphine’s sitting at the desk, her head in her hands, the heels of her palms pressed against her forehead as she stares at the desk. Waiting for inspiration to strike her, or done with the day, Cosima isn’t sure.

The blonde lets out a sigh before lifting her head. Looks over to the door, her morose expression changing into a soft smile when she sees Cosima.

“Hey,” the brunette greets her, eyes flickering to the monitor. The document on which looks suspiciously empty.

Delphine said she’d be working from home for today. Wanted to get a start on working on her next article. Seems like she did not get a lot of that done, thought Cosima bites her tongue to refrain from commenting on that.

Delphine is absolutely brilliant, in her maybe just slightly biased opinion. But all jokes aside, she’s certainly one of the sharpest minds Cosima ever had the pleasure of knowing, never mind working with.

But for someone as brilliant as the blonde, it never fails to astound Cosima, how much trouble Delphine actually has with writing articles for publication. She’s usually all too happy to share credit if that means the other person will do the majority of the write-up. When the two of them had collaborated on a project, Cosima had suddenly been finding herself doing the majority of the writing, with Delphine offering some editorial inputs here and there. The blonde had blamed it on English not being her first language and struggling to express herself properly in that.

“Bonsoir mon amoure,” Delphine greets her, holding out a hand for her. Cosima’s lips curve into a huge grin as she takes it, allowing Delphine to pull her towards herself. She drops the majority of the mail onto the desk and leans in for a soft kiss as Delphine pulls her into her lap.

“Hm, hello yourself,” Cosima husks, touching her forehead to the blonde’s as they part. Delphine sighs softly, nosing at her temple for a moment, before she leans back.

“I missed you,” she declares softly. “What took you so long?”

“Sorry,” Cosima apologizes with a roll of her eyes. “I had to talk to Scott about one of the batches. Boring science stuff.”

“Something go wrong, with your experiment?”

“Not exactly,” Cosima frowns before shaking her head. “It’s not important. We can talk about it later,” she tells her, holding up the envelope between them.

“You’ve got mail.”

Delphine’s eyes widen in surprise and she reaches out with trembling fingers, carefully taking the envelope from Cosima. The brunette gets up again, stretching, and looks around for the letter opener.

“I didn’t think it would be coming for a few days.”

“Maybe they didn’t have anything else to do,” Cosima offers, exclaiming in triumph when she spies the stainless steel opener Alison gave them as a housewarming gift a few months back, when the two of them moved in with each other. Cosima picks it up and holds it out to Delphine, tilting her head when the blonde doesn’t take it immediately.

“Would you like to be alone, with this?” she asks her, searching Delphine’s face.

“Non,” the blonde murmurs softly as she worries at her lower lip. Draws a deep breath and takes the opener to slice the envelope open before carefully pulling out the contents: a letter and a passport.

Delphine sets the latter down, focussing her attention on the letter for the time being, something that causes Cosima to have to bite back a frustrated groan.

If this were her, she’d be riffling through the passport the second her fingers touched it. Would be staring at the page with her picture and name and everything on it and hugging it to her chest-

But it’s not her. It’s Delphine, and her pace has always been one of measured carefulness. She treads lightly, especially in the areas where she knows she can end up getting hurt, for whatever reason.

But Cosima wants to see the passport. Wants to see what it will look like, with the new picture, and her name, and the updated gender marker.

Finally, the blonde nods, folding the letter again and putting it into the envelope to set it aside. And then stares at the passport on her desk, as if she’s afraid it will suddenly, leap up and bite her.

“Hey,” Cosima murmurs after a few moments, reaching out to gently take the blonde’s hand. Strokes her thumb over the back of it in a soft caress she hopes the other woman might find soothing.

“It’ll be fine,” she tells her with a smile. “Better than that. It’ll be perfect.”

“What if-” Delphine starts, her voice barely audible. “What if it’s not?” she asks, brows dipping into a frown. “What if, they made a mistake? If they didn’t change it, or they spelled something wrong, and I have to go through the whole thing again-”

“Woah, easy,” Cosima interrupts the fearful rambling before it can escalate any further. “You’re, spiralling,” she tells her. “Catastrophizing.”

Delphine ducks her head at that and Cosima can hear her exhale shakily. Watches as she reaches up and pinches the bridge of her nose.

“Would it help, if I checked it for you?” she offers softly. “Make sure everything is in order?”

“No,” Delphine shakes her head. Looks up again, her shoulder squaring slightly. “It’s nothing against you, I love you. But…”

“No offense taken,” Cosima assures her with an easy smile. “It’s your thing, I understand that. Your, big moment. And I wasn’t trying to, take it from you, or anything like that. Just, offering, in case you want help. Letting you know I’m here,” she shrugs, giving Delphine’s hand a soft squeeze. She feels the blonde return the pressure for a moment, before she draws another slow, measured breath, and then lets go of Cosima’s hand.

Delphine reaches out and picks up the passport. Carefully opens it. Cosima watches her as she holds her breath and then freezes completely, for an instant. Before bursting into tears.

She lets out a soft curse and moves in, wrapping her arms around the blonde in a tight hug.

“It’s okay,” she mutters, kissing the woman’s curls. “It’s okay. We’ll get it fixed, it’ll be-”

“Happy tears,” Delphine sobs, making Cosima freeze for a second, before she lets out a relieved laugh. Feels Delphine’s shoulders shake with her own laugh and then the blonde wraps her arms around her, returning Cosima’s hug.

“I’m just, happy, and relieved, and… overwhelmed. Too many feelings,” Delphine stammers, her words drawing a soft chuckle from Cosima as she runs her fingers through the blonde’s hair.

She can definitely relate to that. Felt very much the same way, when Delphine had proposed to her a few months back. She’d been, shocked, and over the moon, and so, so happy. She loves her, loves Delphine to much. Ever since they started dating like, three years after they first met each other, Cosima has been falling more and more in love with the blonde every single day of their two-and-a-half year relationship. Maybe someone else would think it’s too soon, to propose, to make plans for getting married. But they’ve known each other for so long and the thing is, Cosima knows. She knows that Delphine, she’s The One. She’s her person, the one she wants to share the entirety of the rest of her life with.

Delphine leans back, her hands leaving Cosima’s back, and the brunette pulls back, to give her some space. Get herself together again, in a way.

“Here,” Delphine murmurs, wiping at the tears on her cheeks with one hand while holding her passport out to Cosima with the other.

She hesitates, before reaching out. Touches her fingers to Delphine’s and meeting her eyes as she carefully takes it. Looks down at the page Delphine had flipped it open to, and swallows thickly.

It’s not fair, she thinks, how someone can look this good, on a government ID.

“It’s wonderful,” she tells her with a smile and sees Delphine practically beam at her, looking as happy as… honestly, Cosima isn’t certain she’s ever seen her so happy before. Maybe when she said yes, to the proposal, but besides that?

She leans in again, to brush her lips over Delphine’s cheek before moving closer and sitting back down in the blonde’s lap. Throws an arm around her neck and tilts the passport so that Delphine can see it as well.

There it is. Delphine Adele Cormier. No more stupid birth name, no more issues with TSA, at least not over that. The wonderfully validating F right there, as well, and even though this isn’t her, Cosima nearly feels her heart burst with happiness.

“It looks great,” she tells Delphine, kissing her again as she hands her the passport. “I am so, so incredibly happy for you, right now.”

“Me, too,” Delphine nods. Traces her index finger over her name, her throat working as she swallows and more moisture brims in her eyes.

“Alright,” Cosima nods, touching her nose to the blonde’s temple. “What’s the first stamp you want in it?” she asks as Delphine slowly flips through the rest of the pages.

“I’m not sure,” the blonde frowns, hesitating. Cosima sees her cast a glance at her from the corner of her eyes, and she’s worrying at her lower lip again.

“Perhaps, France?” she asks, voice uncertain and small, and Cosima wants to hug her and tell her that they will go wherever she wants, even if it is the moon. Cosima would make that happen. Build her a rocket even.

“France,” she repeats, tilting her head. “Sounds like a great place to go.”

Delphine ducks her head, reaching up to run a hand through her curls.

“It’s, it’s just… Arnaud has been asking me to come visit, and now with the baby…” she trails off, worrying at her lip again. Cosima leans in to brush her lips over Delphine’s in a soft kiss, resting her forehead against the other woman’s for a moment.

Delphine’s brother moved to France when the two of them, Cosima and her, were still bot finishing up their degrees. She knows that Delphine has been missing him. That she feels bad, for not having met his wife, her sister-in-law, in person yet. Feels terrible for missing the wedding, as well, not having been able to travel internationally with a passport that had a male gender marker and her birth name in it. Cosima knows she has been wanting to go badly, especially since her baby niece had been born almost three months ago.

“You know,” Cosima tells her, brushing her lips over Delphine’s forehead. “I wouldn’t say no to a honeymoon in Paris.”

Delphine lets out a soft chuckle at that.

“He lives in the South,” she corrects her. “Near Marseille. Besides, for a honeymoon, we’d have to get married first.”

“Okay,” Cosima nods. “Wedding in the South of France, then.”

Delphine’s eyes widen in surprise and her jaw drops, leaving the blonde to gape at her. Cosima shrugs, toying with the hair at the nape of Delphine’s neck.

“What?” she asks. “We said we’d wait, until your name and gender markers are updated. Your birth certificate is, and so is your passport now, too. So nothing’s stopping us now, is there?”

“Cosima…” Delphine starts, her breath hitching in her throat before she swallows. “Do you, do you honestly mean that?”

“What? That I want to get married? Of course I do!” she exclaims. “I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t.”

“But that, that was only a few months ago…”

“Yeah, so?” she shakes her head. “Look, if you want to wait, we can. But since you weren’t there, when your brother got married, I thought, maybe it would be nice if he got to see us, tie the knot,” she shrugs before moving to stand.

“Just think about it, okay?” she tells her, leaning down to kiss Delphine’s cheek. “I’m gonna make myself a sandwich, I’m starving. You want one, too?”

Delphine just nods, still dumbfounded, and Cosima leaves her with a low chuckle, figuring that she will eventually shake herself out of her stunned state. And when she does, she’ll want to discuss details and start making lists, and Cosima thinks that she will need a full stomach to keep up with her when that happens.

_fin._


	2. post-finale moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima and Delphine have an important conversation about their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this takes place well after the series finale. by almost three years.

Cosima lifts her glass of wine, clinking it softly against Delphine’s before taking a sip of the deep red liquid.

“Hm,” she hums in pleased surprise. “This is good. Did Sarah really give us that?”

“Yes,” Delphine nods, reaching up to run a hand through her curls. “I think she had help from Alison, though,” she adds with a slight tilt of her head, gently tapping her index finger against her glass. Cosima watches her frown down into the dark liquid, the blonde’s brows furrowing.

“Is something wrong?” she asks. Delphine’s head shoots up, the blonde giving her a confused expression.

“Huh?”

“It’s just… You’ve been a bit,” Cosima shrugs, motioning at the blonde’s face. Tilts her head and searches Delphine’s face. “Did Oscar…”

“Non,” Delphine shakes her head quickly. He’d been a bit, weirded out, by seeing his mother’s clone with a woman when they got married. Cosima figured that he’d get used to it, eventually. Even if his own mom can be a bit, strange, about the whole thing. She goes back and forth, between being enarmored with Delphine and saying how well Cosima did, for herself, and then suddenly being all, cold and distant, towards the blonde. Sometimes, Cosima wonders how Delphine doesn’t catch whiplash from it, but her wife is simply just that amazing, it seems.

“Then what is it?” Cosima asks her. “I promise you can tell me.”

“Can I?” Delphine asks, searching her face, her gaze suddenly gone all, intense. It scares her, Cosima has to admit. “Can we actually have a conversation, about this? Without you trying to change the subject, or deflecting, or making stupid jokes?”

“I will have you know, my jokes, are awesome,” Cosima huffs, taking another sip of her wine. “Arthur and Donald love them.”

“They’re toddlers,” Delphine rolls her eyes. “They find the word drool funny and laugh when Alison tries to be stern with them.”

Cosima rolls her eyes at that logic. It’s not that Delphine is wrong, the twins are only slowly approaching their third birthday. Still, Cosima kind of takes pride, in being the cool, funny aunt. The one with the hot wife.

Delphine licks her lips before biting her lower lip hard enough that Cosima worries she might draw blood. She reaches out to touch her pinky against the back of her wife’s hand that’s resting on the kitchen counter. Gently moves the digit over the back of her hand, making Delphine look down and her lips tug into a soft smile.

“Hey,” Cosima whispers, taking a step closer. Tilts her head at the blonde as she searches her face. “What is it that you want to talk about?”

Delphine draws a deep breath, carefully letting it out through parted lips.

“Charlotte asked again. When we’re going to have a baby.”

Cosima lets her hand fall away. Shifts to lean against the counter and crosses her arms, trying hard not to crack a joke, or to change the subject. She kind of, kind of promised Delphine. That they could have this conversation. She knows it’s been on Delphine’s mind, especially since they got married, and Charlotte started sort of, pestering them about having a child.

She’s seen Delphine with the twins. It’s been, nice. Seeing her, with the babies. Watching her interact with them, and be, so soft, so gentle. She loves her like that. This vulnerable side of Delphine, the gentleness inside of her.

Not that she doesn’t love the other sides of her as much. She does. Cosima, she’s in love with all of Delphine, every possible facet of her personality. The smart assertive scientist. The knowledgable researcher. The talented doctor. The sensual woman. The caring partner. She loves all of that, loves her wit and her devotion and her fierceness and humor. All of those little parts that made up who Delphine is, as a person.

The thing is, Cosima, she’s, not so sure, if she loves babies. She loves the twins. Loves her little nephews and adores them, but she’s not good, with tiny humans. Isn’t great, when it comes to taking care of them. She’s, she’s much better, as the cool aunt.

Whenever they babysit the twins, it’s mostly Delphine doing the caregiving stuff. She tells Cosima what to do and instructs her, and the brunette tries her best. But she’s good at the jokes and goofing around and playing and fun activities. Not so much with the poopy diapers, or the hysterical tears and the clingyness and the constant need for attention.

And it’s, it’s not just that. If Delphine wants a baby, well, Cosima loves her. Adores her. She’ll love watching Delphine with their baby, too. She’d give it to her in a heartbeat, if she could.

But she can’t. They’re two cisgender women, and there is more to having a baby for them than having sex and hoping it sticks. It would be, looking for a sperm donor, and hormone treatments most likely, for Delphine. She’d have to be the one to carry the child, of course, because even if Cosima is cured, she’s not entirely sure if that took care of the infertility, and she also doesn’t want to find out. She made her peace with not having biological kids some time ago, and the idea of being pregnant… no, that’s not something she wants to experience, no matter if it would be possible or not.

“Where’s that even coming from?” she asks with a frown. “This idea that when two people are together and married they have to have children. Have to do it immediately. It can’t be Sarah, she wouldn’t put that in her head-”

“Cosima.”

Delphine’s voice is soft, but her saying Cosima’s name still cuts off the brunette’s impeding rant. She ducks her head sheepishly, reaching up to rub the back of her neck.

“Sorry,” she apologizes. “It just… I thought, you know. Her circumstances are so different, from this, picture of a normal family, that she wouldn’t even come up with the question. But she’s been pretty, insistent, about it, and it’s just… kinda weird, I guess.”

“Hm,” Delphine hums, scratching her forehead briefly. “Perhaps it is because everything for all of us is so far removed from normal. Maybe Charlotte is trying to, create normalcy. Find anchor points, similarities to what a normal life would be like.”

“Maybe,” Cosima frowns, mulling her wife’s words over for a moment, before she shakes her head. Pushes the issues concerning the youngest Leda to the back of her mind, for now.

“So uh, a baby, huh?” she says with a nervous chuckle. Delphine looks up, searching her eyes, and the brunette finds it difficult not to look away. “When do you want to start?”

She sees her wife swallow thickly before she looks away. Worries at her lower lip again.

“Delphine?”

“What if,” the blonde starts, shifting on her feet. Her fingers drum against the counter nervously as her jaw works. “You don’t really want a baby, do you?”

Cosima immediately opens her mouth in protest, but she can’t quite make the words pass her lips. Because denying it would be a lie. She doesn’t want a baby. Not for herself. But she also wants, more than anything, for Delphine to be happy. And babies do make the blonde very happy. She’d be, excited, if they had one.

“I want you to be happy,” she tells her. Those words are easy, at least. “I love you, I want you to have the life you want to have, the family you want-”

“You are the family I want,” Delphine shakes her head in exasperation. Reaches up to run her hands through her curls, tugging on them for a moment. “Everyone always assumes that, because I enjoy being around the twins, I want that for us, too.”

“You don’t?”

“No!”

Cosima blinks at the exclamation, her jaw dropping in shock. Delphine shakes her head again, letting out a huff of annoyance.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love your nephews. I think they are cute, I like spending time with them and I don’t mind babysitting. But I don’t want to have to deal with them all the time! And I certainly don’t want to get pregnant.”

Cosima just blinks again, leaning back against the counter to catch herself.

“Wow,” she whispers with a shake of her head, a laugh bubbling up in her throat. “Wow. I, I’m…”

“Speechless?” Delphine offers with an arc of her brows. “Is this really such a surprise?” she asks, almost sounding… disappointed?

The brunette gives a small shrug.

“Maybe not if I had actually thought about it, for more than a few panicked moments,” she admits with a self-deprecating chuckle. She reaches out and takes Delphine’s hand, intertwining their fingers slowly. “I just… I mean, what I said. I want you, to have everything you could possibly want, and I thought a baby was part of that deal. Kind of glad it’s not.”

“Cosima,” Delphine sighs, taking a step closer. Looks down at their joined hands, her thumb stroking over the back of Cosima’s. “This isn’t just my life. It is yours, as well. Ours, our life, as a couple. We get to decide what it will be like, how we live it. We build it together. Us. And I do not want you to, put up with something you would hate, just because you feel like I’d like to include that.”

“I wouldn’t have hated it,” Cosima protests. “I don’t think so, at least,” she adds at Delphine’s look. “I think I would have liked watching you with the baby.”

“But you wouldn’t have wanted it, for yourself,” Delphine points out. Swallows, her brows dipping. “Can we, make a new rule?”

“Oh?”

“That, anything that has to do with our lives, any major decisions we make, we both have to enthusiastic about what we decide on. I don’t want to have a life where you’re not as happy as I am, chérie,” Delphine tells her, leaning in to rest her forehead against Cosima’s.

“Okay,” the brunette chuckles. “Sounds, sounds like a pretty good rule,” she agrees, reaching up to trace her fingers along Delphine’s jaw before brushing her lips over the blonde’s in a gentle kiss.

“So, are we getting a pet instead?” she can’t resist but ask. “Because I’ve seen this really cool posting, on Craigslist, for a bearded dragon-”

“Cosima,” Delphine chuckles before sobering. Meets her eyes again and draws a deep breath. “I was going to ask you… do you think… do you want Charlotte to live with us?”

Cosima’s eyes widen in surprise as she leans back, blinking at her wife.

“Wait, what?”

“We discussed it before,” Delphine points out to her. She’s, not wrong, there. They did briefly discuss having the youngest Leda clone live with them, but back then, they’d still been working on mass-producing the cure and delivering it to all the known Leda clones. They’d been traveling so much and been so focused on their work, their own relationship had been sort of, put on the backburner. Taking in Charlotte back then, it wouldn’t have been a good idea. Would probably have gone, spectacularly wrong, actually. The girl had needed a family and stability and Cosima and Delphine hadn’t been prepared to provide that. Not that Sarah had been much better, Charlotte had spent a number of times going back and forth, between Sarah’s place and the Hendrix’s house, often feeling like a third wheel. And Cosima was sorry about that, about sort of, handing the child off, for others to deal with. Sarah had been struggling with her grief and raising Kira and figuring out her life, and Alison had been busy trying to help Helena adjust to motherhood and help her with the twins…

Cosima steps away, crossing her arms as she paces their kitchen, her eyes glued to the tiles on the floor.

She likes Charlotte, and she thinks she might actually be the girl’s favorite sister. Aunt. Whatever. They both like science, and thanks to Marion Bowles’s homeschooling, Charlotte is pretty far ahead, of her actual classmates now. She gets extra tasks and activities, and she could probably skip a grade, if Sarah tried for that. Which she probably won’t. She can barely keep up with the homework as it is, and Charlotte’s social skills aren’t great. Putting her a grade ahead of her peers, it might cause even more issues, socially. But at least school wouldn’t be boring for her any longer.

There’s actually a private school that they could perhaps see if she could get into. They have the money for it now. And who knows, Charlotte might get a stipend, due to being an orphan. Sort of. 

Cosima lets out a sigh and shakes her head, not willing to try to puzzle that stuff out. She turns on her heel and raises her eyes to look at Delphine over the kitchen island between them.

“Do you really want that?” she asks her. “Take in a child who’s bound to have a myriad of issues, thanks to how the past few years have been, for her?”

“Hm,” Delphine hums, giving herself a moment to think. “I know it wouldn’t be… We wouldn’t be, her parents. You’re her sister, I’m, her sister-in-law. Aunt. Whatever she wishes to look at me as,” the European shakes her head. “But, I think it would be good. For Charlotte, but also for you. Us,” Delphine tells her, catching herself.

“I’m serious,” Cosima presses. “Is this, is this your version, of the baby thing?” she asks, searching her wife’s face. “Because if it is, I’m not interested.”

“Non,” Delphine answers with a shake of her head. “It’s not, “my version of the baby thing”,” she continues. “I like Charlotte. And I think… This is just my impression and it’s nothing against your sisters. But, looking at Charlotte, her recent behavior, how quiet and withdrawn she was earlier… I think it’s obvious, to me, that not all of her needs are being met. This isn’t a judgment,” she hurries on when Cosima opens her mouth immediately to protest sharply.

“I know Sarah is trying, and that Charlotte is, unique, in her challenges and everything. I’m not judging her, or Alison, for not being able to be there for her all the time to the extent she needs,” Delphine shakes her head and draws a deep breath. “But I am, judging us,” she admits. “Charlotte connects with you on a level she doesn’t with the others. She has outright asked, if she could live with us. Yes, I know that, at the time, it wasn’t an option. But it is now. We could, we could take her. Give her the home and attention she needs. She wouldn’t have to go back and forth between Sarah’s and Alison’s and always be the third wheel. She’d be, with us. She’d have an actual home, a stable environment,” the blonde trails off with a shuddering breath. Cosima watches her worry at her lower lip for a moment before she wipes the back of her hand over her forehead.

“I know what it is like. To feel like you don’t really have a home. Not even with the people you’re supposed to be with. To be send away over and over again, because you’re, inconvenient, too much work, in some kind of way. And I don’t want that for her. I want to make sure Charlotte doesn’t feel like that. More than anything, I want her to have a home, a place where she knows she’s accepted just the way she is and won’t be shipped of, handed to someone else when it gets difficult.”

Cosima feels herself deflate a little. Walks over to Delphine and wraps her arms around her in a tight hug. She can feel her wife tense up briefly, before she relaxes and hugs Cosima back. Turns her head to hide her face against the crook of Cosima’s neck.

“I love you,” she whispers softly. Feels Delpine brush her lips over her skin gently in reply, before she leans back. “And, uh… Maybe we should, as Charlotte. If she’d like to try living with us.”

“Really?” Delphine asks, her eyes lighting up, but then looking like she’s stopping herself from getting too excited about the whole thing, and Cosima can’t help but shake her head at the blonde.

“Yeah, really,” she laughs, leaning onto her tiptoes to kiss her wife. “I like her. A lot. And I’m not happy with how we’ve been treating her and the living arrangements, either. So yeah, let’s talk to her about it. See if she still wants to live with us. Make sure she understands that there won’t be a baby joining us, as well,” Cosima chuckles.

“Good point,” Delphine nods, tracing her fingers over Cosima’s jawline before she tilts her head.

“What?”

“Nothing,” the blonde shakes her head. “I’m just thinking… Maybe print that Craigslist ad, for the bearded dragon.”

“Oh, blackmail,” Cosima lowers her voice and waggles her eyebrows. “You’re dark, Dr Cormier.”

“Cormier-Niehaus, please,” Delphine corrects her primly before laughing softly. “And I am just saying, if you want the guy, she needs to be okay with it, as well.”

“Ah,” Cosima nods in understanding. Some people aren’t big fans of reptiles and Delphine has a point, if they do end up getting it, Charlotte has to be okay with it, too. With sharing a living space with a lizard.

“We can ask her about it. But, just so you know, it’s a gal.”

Delphine lets out a soft giggle at that.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she shakes her head, leaning in to peck Cosima’s cheek with her lips. “Just, it’ll be a four female household. Even the pet is a girl.”

“And it would be absolutely perfect,” Cosima grins at her, tilting her head up to catch Delphine’s lips in a soft kiss.

“Hm,” Delphine hums in soft agreement before puling her close and deepening the kiss as Cosima presses up against her, feeling absolutely giddy with excitement.

_fin._


	3. fake married AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the rewards on my Patreon is the ability to leave a prompt every month. This is the fill for "cophine, married at first sight".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **content/trigger warnings** for: potential homophobia, illness, alcohol, drugs
> 
> the "poem" Cosima finds in Delphine's book is the lyrics to Evelyne Brochu's ["Maintenant ou jamais"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTonFnxE-lg)

Cosima unlocks the door to her apartment, opening it and allowing the blonde to step inside first before entering herself. Draws a slow breath and tries to fight down her sudden nerves.

“I know it’s not much,” she offers weakly, reaching up to rub the back of her neck as the blonde slowly turns in the middle of the room, taking in her surroundings. Cosima lets her. Turns to close the door, and then goes over to the desk to toss her keys into the small bowl sitting on the corner. The one that holds two random USB-sticks and a couple of business cards and two sticks of gum she should probably throw out, because she’s not entirely sure how old they are.

If she knew she’d be bringing someone home, she would have cleaned up, she thinks, bending down to pick up a cardigan off the floor. Resists the urge to give it a sniff. It’s clean. It should be. She only wore it for an hour or so last night, before going to bed.

“It seems… very, you,” the blonde says, the French accent lacing her words making Cosima tilts her head a little before she narrows her eyes at the blonde.

Narrows her eyes at _her wife_.

She’s, hopeless. The epitome of dumb useless gay. She should have said no. Should have told Felix to find someone else. But it hadn’t been Felix asking, it had been Adele. Adele, who rarely ever asks for anything, who had practically been begging Cosima to help out her friend. Her friend, whose student visa is running out and they want to stay in the country but immigration will very likely kick them out. Unless they find a way to stay. Permanently.

And then Felix had shown her a picture, ‘by accident’. Fuck that, it had been a calculated move, and Cosima hates to admit that it had been an effective one. Because the blonde in the picture could very well have been a model, and Cosima had found herself agreeing to do it nearly on the spot.

“I feel like that, might not have been a compliment,” Cosima remarks now, watching the blonde. Delphine, her name is Delphine. She is a friend of Adele’s, of Felix’s sister. She’s not sure, what the story is, there. How the two met, how they became friends. She’s not, not that close, with Adele. Is friends with Felix and likes him, a lot. Appreciates his unapologetic nature and his attitude. And she’s happy for him, for having found his bio relative and building a relationship with her. Truly. It’s just, for some reason, she just can’t really, get, with Adele.

“Right, so,” Cosima starts, gesturing around her small apartment. “Kitchen area, bedroom, bathroom,” she points. “Feel free to, help yourself, to anything in fridge, but maybe check the dates. Or sniff the container, I guess. I think there’s some questionable Chinese in there,” she remarks with a slight tilt of her head. Watches, as Delphine swallows, then nods.

“I saw you smoking outside,” Cosima continues, and sees Delphine blush.

“I won’t do it in here,” she assures her and Cosima finds herself shaking her head quickly, holding up her hands to soothe the blonde.

“No, no, it’s not- I meant to tell you, you can do that, here,” she tells her with a soft smile. “Just, uh… When I smoke, it’s not cigarettes. I only smoke pot, so if you find one of mine laying around…”

“I won’t touch it,” Delphine says with a curt nod, slowly crossing the room to make her way to Cosima’s overcrowded bookshelf. Tilts her head a little to be able to read the titles a little easier. Cosima opens her mouth, to justify her somewhat eccentric collection, but then thinks better of it. She doesn’t have to explain herself or justify her choices of literature to the blonde.

Cosima goes to take off her shoes and when she turns back around, she finds that Delphine has picked a book from her shelf and is reading over the table of contents. It makes Cosima tilt her head in pleased surprise, given that the one she picked is one of her science books. And not necessarily something one would consider microbiology 101.

“You, interested in that?” she asks, stepping closer to the other woman. Leans against the shelf with her shoulder and crosses her arms.

“Hm,” the other woman, Cosima’s _wife_ , hums. “I should be, given that I am pursuing a degree in the field.”

“You are?” Cosima blinks, straightening, excitement welling up inside of her. Maybe, maybe that will be something the two of them can talk about. Can sort of, bond over, perhaps.

Until now, she’s been hard pressed to find any similarities, anything she might have in common with Delphine. She’s American, the blonde is French. She’s tall where Cosima is pretty small. She has a killer sense of fashion and looks very, put together. Is dressed in black and white, where Cosima prefers loud patterns and kind of, earthy tones. She wears a lot of jewelry, rings and necklace and dangly earrings, where Delphine only has small silver studs in her lobes (or maybe they are white gold, that could be the case). And the small golden wedding band now decorating the blonde’s ring finger. The twin of which sits on Cosima’s.

“Yes,” her _wife_ nods.

“Cool,” Cosima grins, watching her. “Can I ask, what, what’s your thesis on?”

She watches the blonde’s shoulders stiffen as she tenses up and lifts her eyes from the book.

“I study, host-parasite relationships,” she says slowly before cringing.

“Please don’t, do the thing.”

“What thing?” Cosima asks, thoroughly confused.

“The thing where you crack a joke about what my field of study must be saying about my romantic life and my attitude towards relationships in general and I pretend that it’s funny and no one ever made that quip before and we chuckle and it trails off into extremely awkward silence.”

“Ah, that thing,” Cosima nods with a smile. “Not doing that, then. Not that I planned to,” she adds at Delphine’s expression. “I had been about to ask, if you might let me read it. Your thesis,I mean. Once you’re finished, of course.”

“Oh?” Delphine breathes, her brows dipping slightly.

“I’m in microbiology, too,” Cosima tells her, nodding towards her books. “Evo-devo.”

Delphine frowns at her in confusion for a moment, before her eyes widen and she claps her hands.

“Evolutionary development!” she exclaims before flinching and blushing prettily. “Sorry, I-”

“No worries,” Cosima waves her apology off. “It was my fault, I didn’t consider the…” she trails off, gesturing vaguely at Delphine. “But yeah, evolutionary development. I have an appointment tomorrow, actually, with my adviser, to go over potential ideas for my thesis.”

“Oh,” the blonde breathes, straightening as her green eyes sparkle with excitement, and Cosima finds herself having to swallow thickly.

Focus, Niehaus. This, this is a strictly platonic arrangement. They only got married so that the blonde could stay in the country long enough to finish up her degree. Nothing more, nothing less. She needs to, to be, decent. And not leer over the blonde, no matter how gorgeous she might be.

Cosima reaches up to rub the back of her neck, searching for the right words.

“So, uh,” she stammers, drawing a deep breath. “I guess we, we have to, discuss…” she trails off, gesturing between the two of them.

Delphine swallows thickly, before she inclines her head.

“Yes, we probably should,” she agrees softly.

“Okay,” Cosima nods, pursing her lips. “Do you, do you have social media? Like facebook or instagram?”

“What?” the blonde frowns in confusion.

“We should follow each other on there and, well, post the announcement. Take a pic together and tag each other in it. You know, if they’re gonna check out if this,” Cosima says, motioning between them again, “is real, they will probably pay attention to that. Plus, we kind of need to fool people around us, too. Convince them that, for some reason, we are madly in love with one another and are so happy and all that,” she shrugs.

“Right,” Delphine nods with another thick swallow. She reaches up and runs her hand through her hair, looking away as her jaw works. Cosima watches her for a moment and then shakes her head.

“Look, we don’t have to do this,” she tells her. Delphine’s head snaps around, the woman’s eyes wide and terrified as Cosima spreads her hands at her sides. “If you’ve changed your mind, that’s fine by me. You’re the one who wants to stay in the country,” she reminds her. “But I don’t care to go to jail over this, so if we are doing it, we kind of, need to put at least some effort into it.”

“Non,” Delphine gives a decisive shake of her head. “No, I, I want to stay,” she declares. “And you are right, we have to, make an actual effort to convince people it’s real. Let me get my phone and we can get started on that,” she says, walking over to the door where she put her purse, leaving Cosima to close her eyes for a moment and to attempt to ignore the voice in her head that is yelling at her about how stupid she is being.

* * *

She, underestimated just how pissed her parents would be. Well, not, not pissed. More like, disappointed. That Cosima didn’t tell them beforehand that she was going to get married. That she kept a relationship a secret from them, for a little over a year.

Cosima cringes inwardly at the thought. It had seemed like a, a good idea, for a timeline. To go relatively close to when Delphine started at the university. They would have been in the same lecture, actually, though Cosima never really noticed her. Which, in hindsight, seems almost impossible, but Delphine herself said that she used to keep to the back of the lecture hall in those days and didn’t very much engage in discussions. She does remember Cosima from back then, though, and the fact makes Cosima feel just slightly, off-kilter, around the blonde.

It’s been almost three weeks, since their “wedding”. When they posted a picture of the two of them smiling at the camera while holding up their entwined hands to display the rings to their instagrams, Cosima hadn’t actually considered that her parents might see it. Not before she planned on calling them the next day. But before she’d even put her phone down again, she had three messages from her mother and Sally was calling her and, yeah. It had been, a lot.

On the phone, her mother had sounded so, defeated. Cosima’d tried to tell her that her not telling her mom beforehand has nothing to do with her or their relationship or Cosima not trusting her. She loves her mom, she trusts her more than anyone else. They used to talk, about Cosima’s crushes when she was a teenager. Her mom was the first person she ever came out to, before she even realized what that was. But she’d been able to tell, despite Sally’s best efforts, how sad she was about it, so the only logical thing to do, was to tell her parents that Delphine and her would be coming for a visit for Spring break.

Life with Delphine has been… interesting. The blonde has moved into Cosima’s place from her small shared dorm room. They’ve taken her mattress along and it’s resting on the floor of the bedroom. Delphine sleeps on it most nights, unless Cosima stays up late, messing around with stuff on the Internet, then the blonde will let herself be convinced to take the bed, at least until Cosima turns in for the night. She always promises to wake her then, but never does, instead using the mattress herself and letting Delphine take the bed for a change.

Delphine has a job as a TA with the university. Cosima and her try to meet up for lunch, though not in the campus cafeteria. It would be too easy, for people, to realize that something is strange, between them. That they are not exactly acting like a newlywed couple in love.

Over the course of the past few weeks, she’s learned a few things, about the French woman. She likes wines, reds in particular. Enjoys movies, especially documentaries, or French cinema. She’s a good cook, nothing like Cosima, who, struggles, in the kitchen. Delphine has been fixing them lunch, for the past few weeks. It’s saving them money, too, Cosima is used to eating out or getting takeout. Delphine stocked her kitchen will all sorts of stuff, ingredients that Cosima wouldn’t have dreamed of having on hand, but the blonde insists belong in any well-stocked kitchen.

She’s also learned that Delphine is generally a quiet person, who keeps to herself. She has a decent sense of humor, has a sharp wit that Cosima enjoys, but she tends to let others do the talking for the most part. The brunette isn’t sure why, if it may be some subconscious sense of inferiority, due to her accent and at times, her lack of words to describe what she means in English, or if it is just her personality.

Now, Cosima looks out from the kitchen window into the garden to see Delphine on a lawn chair, sipping on a glass of wine, while her mother talks with her hands. She’s been, very quiet, since they got here a few hours ago. Very… turned into herself? It’s hard to describe, but it feels like, like this is more, than Delphine’s usual quietness.

Cosima shakes her head, reaching out to grab the pitcher of water and another bottle of wine before leaving the kitchen through the back door. Steps out onto the lawn, squinting against the low sun. She walks over to the lawn chairs, setting down the tray on the table.

“Thank you sweetheart,” her dad says with a smile. Cosima holds up the bottle of wine for Delphine, tilting her head in silent question, but the blonde shakes her head no.

“Thanks, but I am good,” she tells her softly.

“Okay,” Cosima nods, opening the bottle still and topping up her mother’s glass as well as pouring herself a new one. She picks it up, taking a sip, before going to sit down next to her mother, who waves her off.

“No, you know what, we should, get started in dinner,” her mother declares, standing up. Looks at her husband, Cosima’s father, who drums his fingers on his own glass. “Gene,” her mother says. “I need a hand, in the kitchen.”

“Oh?”

“Yes,” Cosima’s mother rolls her eyes, holding out her free hand to him. The man takes it with a confused look and gets to his feet, allowing her to steer him towards the house and leaving Cosima and Delphine alone, to talk. For the first time since their plane touched down and Cosima’s parents picked them up at the airport.

The brunette swallows, slowly taking a step towards the French woman.

“Can I…” she started, motioning towards the free space on the end of Delphine’s chair.

“I’d prefer if you didn’t, actually,” Delphine murmurs, staring steadfastly into her wine. Cosima swallows and slowly sinks down onto the one her mother just vacated instead.

“Are you okay?” she asks her, searching Delphine’s face. “I mean, I know this isn’t, isn’t an ideal situation. But still, you seem-”

“I am tired, Cosima,” Delphine sighs, reaching up with her free hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. “I am, I’m just, tired,” she repeats with a sigh.

“Oh,” Cosima murmurs, taking a sip of her own drink. “Okay. If you wanna have a rest, before dinner-”

“Why did your father ask me about my sister?” Delphine suddenly asks, her usually warm voice holding a steel edge. Cosima blinks at her in surprise, squirming uncomfortably in her seat at the cold stare the blonde is leveling at her.

“I, I don’t know? I probably mentioned it to her? Should I, not have done that?” she asks, frowning in confusion.

“No, you shouldn’t,” Delphine shakes her head, setting down her glass so hard Cosima fears, for a moment, that it might shatter with the impact. The blonde stands, her arms crossed tightly over her chest as she takes a few pacing steps on the lawn.

“You have no right- This is not, not yours,” she presses out between clenched teeth. “This is my family, you don’t get do decide, what to share and what not. Not without asking me-”

“Okay!” Cosima exclaims, holding up her hands in a gesture of surrender. “Okay,” she adds, a little calmer. “I’m sorry I, overstepped your, your boundaries, but, they’re my parents. As far as they know, this is now also their family. My dad was just, making conversation. Nothing more. It would have been weird, not to answer. It might have…” she trails off with a shaky breath. It might have made him suspicious. Might have made him wonder if something was, wrong. Something going on that Cosima was telling them.

The only reason she knows that Delphine even has a sister, is by guessing. She’d been on the phone one day, very early in the morning, talking in hushed French. While Cosima doesn’t speak much, she does know the words, for mother, and father, and Delphine hadn’t used either. She’d ended the call abruptly, cursing to herself under her breath, before turning and seeing Cosima in the doorway and blushing furiously.

As far as Cosima knows, that was the only time Delphine has been in contact with any member of her family.

Now, the blonde draws a shaky breath. Reaches up to run her hands through her curls, pulling at her hair before she drops them again. Turns to look at Cosima, her jaw working.

“Do not talk about my family,” she tells her, snatching up her wine glass with a shaky hand and downing the contents. She presses the back of her hand over her mouth and clenches her eyes shut. Opens them again with a long exhale.

“What if they ask?” Cosima frowns. “If my parents ask me, about your family-”

“Then you can tell them I do not speak to them. Do not speak of them. Ouais?” she tosses at her before turning sharply on her heel and stalking off in the direction of the house, leaving Cosima to fall back onto the lawnchair and throw an arm over her face in annoyance and exasperation.

* * *

“She’s pretty.”

“Huh?” Cosima mutters, looking up from her laptop. She heard Delphine say, something, but she was so focused on her work her brain didn’t pick up the meaning.

The blonde draws a slow breath, reaching up to worry at her thumbnail before she pulls her hand away again.

“The girl, woman, at the coffee shop,” she says. “She was, pretty.”

Cosima tilts her head before shrugging.

“I guess,” she agrees, returning her attention back to the sequencing work Scott emailed her earlier. But she can’t concentrate, not when she can feel Delphine’s eyes still on her. Watching Cosima, taking in her every move like a hawk.

“What?” she ends up asking after a few moments, tossing down her pen she’s been taking notes with. Delphine shakes her head.

“Nothing,” the blonde murmurs, seemingly returning to her own reading. Only Cosima can see her eyes darting up, to steal a glance at her yet again. She arches a brow at the woman, tilting her head. Delphine sighs and closes her book, fiddling with the bookmark sticking out at the top.

“I know that, this, is not a fair arrangement,” Delphine says, her shoulders slumping. “It’s not fair to expect you to, pause, your romantic life for two years, for someone you don’t know-”

“Hey,” Cosima protests, closing her laptop. “I do know you. You’re my friend-”

“I wasn’t when we did this,” the blonde argues, motioning between them. “When we got, married,” she continues as she stands, faltering over the word. “You didn’t know me then. All you knew, was that I was a friend of your friend’s sister and needed help.”

“So?” Cosima frowns, slumping back in her desk chair. She watches Delphine shake her head and cross her arms as she blonde begins to pace the length of the room. Reaches up with one hand, to bite at her thumbnail again, the nervous gesture strangely endearing to the brunette.

She likes Delphine. As a friend. She wasn’t lying when she said that she is a friend, Cosima considers her one. They have spent the past seven months pretending to be married, they have gotten close, that’s only natural. Especially given that they are in a setting where, once they are in public together, they always have to pretend, to care about one another.

It was very strange, at first. It all felt so very, fake, so forced. The “casual” touches, leaning against one another, taking the other’s hand. Kissing cheeks and lips. The latter, that is still, very uncomfortable. Every time Cosima does it, she has to remind herself that this is, this is just an act. They’re doing this to make sure people believe that they’re together, that they’re a happily married couple. So that Delphine won’t be kicked out of the country and Cosima won’t have to go to jail for being part of a fake marriage scheme.

It’s easier now. The touches, the casual contact. She considers Delphine a friend now, and Cosima has always been a very physical person, has always been a hugger. And while Delphine used to tense up every time, she now actually seems to, relax, in Cosima’s presence. Has been initiating hand-holding and hugs, as well, and just been casually leaning into Cosima sometimes when they stand in line somewhere.

Delphine lets out a sigh and pauses. Runs a hand through her curls, bunching them up before she lets her hand fall away again and turns to look at Cosima.

“I think you should text her.”

Cosima feels her eyes widen at the statement.

“What?” she squeaks before closing her eyes while heat suffuses her cheeks.

“I saw her slip you her number when I was picking up out drinks,” Delphine tells her. Cosima opens her eyes again, her mouth open to apologize to the blonde, but she’s already waving Cosima off. “I think… if you want to, pursue something, with her…” she says, frowning. “It feels weird, giving you permission for something that doesn’t feel like I should have a say in.”

Cosima swallows and runs a hand through her dreads.

“I can’t,” she tells her. “I can’t pursue Shay, or anyone else, for that matter,” she reminds Delphine. “If I did, Immigration could use it to claim our marriage is fake-”

“People have open relationships,” Delphine points out. She draws a deep breath, her shoulder moving, before they slump again. The blonde looks down at the floor, kicking her foot against the wood. “I, I just don’t want… You deserve to be happy, Cosima. If you want to go out with Shay…”

“I don’t,” Cosima shakes her head, rolling her eyes at the way Delphine arches a brow at her.

“Is she cute? Sure. But just because I find her attractive, doesn’t mean I want to go out with her, or date her, or do anything with her,” she tells her “wife”. “And honestly, right now, a relationship is the last thing I need in my life. It would all just make things more complicated, so actually, I’m kind of thankful that this,” she says, holding up her hand with the wedding band on her ring finger, “is keeping me from being stupid and screwing around when I should really be concentrating on university stuff.”

Delphine lets out a soft sigh, her head moving in a barely noticeable shaking motion.

“Just… if you do end up wanting to do, something, with someone…”

“I won’t,” Cosima replies and opens up her computer again, intending to go back to her reading. Ignores that Delphine is still standing there, watching her, as if their conversation isn’t over yet. As if she wants to say more.

Maybe she’ll end up eating her words, Cosima muses as she blinks at her screen, the lecture sides for this week pulled up. It’s been seven months and while she knows she should be concentrating on school, she kind of does miss dating. Misses being with someone. She kind of didn’t take that into account, when she agreed to, this. Didn’t really consider what it would be like, to not see anyone for two whole years. And perhaps she, kind of had hopes, of maybe there being a chance of something developing between Delphine and her. Which has been thoroughly destroyed by now, given that the blonde is so straight it’s almost painful.

* * *

This, hadn’t been part of the plan.

Cosima lets out a soft huff of frustration and glares at the Emergency Room ceiling with a gloomy expression.

Five more days. All her body had to do, was to go five more days before pulling this shit, and it would have been fine. Well, not _fine,_ obviously coughing blood moments before you have a seizure is not good in any scenario. But it’s especially bad when it happens just days before your wife is due to present her defense of her thesis.

Cosima lets out a soft sigh and turns her head to watch Delphine. She’s curled up in one of the plastic chairs, exhaustion having won out finally. She’s been pulling all-nighters and running on very little sleep, and the stress of today just proved to be too much. One of the nurses convinced her to rest her eyes for a few moments while she was checking Cosima’s blood pressure almost two hours ago, and ever since then, the blonde’s been, conked out. Her neck will probably be killing her once Delphine wakes, but it’s a small price to pay for her rest, Cosima thinks.

Her nightmares have been pretty bad, too, she thinks as she sees the blonde’s brows twitch. Ever since their visit to San Fran eleven months ago, Delphine has been waking up gasping and sometimes outright screaming nearly every single night. It got better, when they started sharing a bed a couple of weeks ago. Something about her subconscious being soothed by someone else’s presence. Cosima often ends up being the big spoon and pressing up behind the blonde while Delphine holds her hand tightly as she drifts off to sleep, when she does. She rarely has nightmares then, when they sleep like that, but it is no guarantee.

Delphine has sworn up and down that it’s not her, nor that it was staying at Cosima’s parents and being forced to share a bed there. Has told Cosima that she cannot remember a time when she didn’t have nightmares, even as a child. Especially at boarding school, where her parents shipped her off to when she wasn’t even a teenager yet.

Delphine suddenly makes a strangled sound, jerking and nearly falling off her chairs as she’s catapulted from her dream. Cosima sits up sharply, reaching for the woman to steady her, but not quite able to reach.

“Easy,” she rasps, trying hard to ignore the dark spots dancing in her vision, the sound of blood rushing in her ears and the looming darkness at the edges. The heart monitor starts beeping frantically and she bites back a groan when she sees Delphine looking at it, wild panic in her eyes.

“You’re okay, it’s okay,” Cosima tries to calm her. Watches the blonde rub a hand over her face as she reaches for Cosima’s outstretched one with the other. Barely manages to hit her fingers and gives them an awkward squeeze before dropping her hand and getting up. She grabs the oxygen mask from the head of the bed, where Cosima put it earlier. The plastic was irritating her and it didn’t make her feel much better, anyway, and Delphine had been sleeping so there’d been no one to get upset with her.

“Are you dizzy?” she asks her as she presses the mask to her face and guides Cosima to lie back down. The brunette rolls her eyes, but she’s too weak to protest.

“Your oxygen is low,” Delphine remarks, eyes going back to the monitor.

“Really,” Cosima tosses back, immediately regretting her attitude when she sees the concern in Delphine’s eyes and the wounded expression on her face.

“Sorry,” she apologizes meekly before trying to draw a deep breath. The dark spots are starting to get smaller, the darkness at the edge of her vision is receding. Her head doesn’t feel as fuzzy any more. Apparently, the oxygen is helping. Huh.

She reaches up, touching her fingers to Delphine’s wrist. Tries to ignore the butterflies in her belly at the way the blonde’s expression as she looks at Cosima’s fingers wrapped around her wrist. She gently lifts her head and puts the elastic over her head to keep the mask in place before carefully guiding Cosima’s head to rest on the pillow again. Her touch slips away as she steps back from the bed and sinks into her chair again. Hides her face in her hands for a moment, and Cosima’s almost certain she’s holding her breath in an attempt to not start to cry.

When she lowers her hands, there is moisture brimming in her eyes.

Delphine shakes her head and digs around in her coat pocket, looking for a phone. Unlocks it with a shaky breath and starts swiping her finger over the display, no doubt dismissing a number of notifications. Delphine and her, they had plans, to have dinner with Alison and Donnie. To meet the kids, for the first time. Oscar, and… Cosima frowns, wondering why she cannot remember the name of the other one. It’s a girl, Oscar’s biological sister. Alison had been worried, that they might not be ready, for two children all at once, but separating them had seemed, unfathomable-

Cosima closes her eyes, suddenly feeling extremely tired.

“Hey,” Delphine murmurs softly, her voice suddenly very close, and Cosima’s eyes flutter open again, to find her leaning over her.

“Shoul’ go ‘m,” she slurs, and shakes her head at Delphine’s worried expression. This, this isn’t a remnant of her seizure. Nor is it a brain bleed. It’s pure exhaustion. Forty minutes in status, of all her muscles seizing, that has put her through quite the workout. Has made her all fuzzy and exhausted.

“Maybe, you should, go home,” she repeats, concentrating on getting the words out as she closes her eyes again.

“Non,” Delphine replies and Cosima feels her warm fingers against her wrist, touching the soft skin there.

“Your thesis-”

“It’ll be fine,” the blonde declares, an edge to her voice. “Besides, we did say for better or worse, didn’t we?”

Cosima’s shoulders shake with a hollow laugh that dies abruptly when she suddenly feels Delphine’s lips on her forehead. Feels herself flush furiously when the heart monitor betrays her by speeding up its beeps.

“I’m going to make some calls,” she whispers. “Get some rest, okay? I will be back in a bit.”

The touch disappears, leaving her and then Cosima can hear Delphine’s retreading footsteps, the skin of her forehead still tingling from the previous contact.

* * *

The good news: It’s not cancer.

The bad news: It’s an unspecified autoimmune disorder. Unspecified because the doctors haven’t seen anything quite like it before. Which means, they don’t really know how to treat it, either.

The great news: Delphine has done it. She has her doctorate in immunology now. She officially Doctor Delphine Cormier. And Cosima couldn’t be prouder of her.

The not-so-great news: Now that her wife is officially a doctor, they are letting her read the reports. And Delphine has been very, vocal, about some of their ideas and conclusion. Or rather, her opinion of them.

The bad news: Doctor Cormier can be a real bitch, and she will not let Cosima smoke pot.

“You can use the oil”, Delphine shakes her head, stubbing out the joint she just yanked from Cosima’s fingertips. She came home earlier and found her lighting up and she’s not been, happy about it, to say the least.

“Come on,” Cosima whines. “You know it’s not the same.”

“I don’t care!” Delphine snaps, whirling around to glare at Cosima with fire dancing in her green eyes. “You have polyps in your lungs, Cosima! You need to be on oxygen 24/7!”

“I _am_ on oxygen 24/7!” Cosima shouts back, feeling the strain in her lungs at the small exertion. Her chest heaves as she tries to catch her breath and has to bite back a curse.

“Really?” Delphine asks, her voice low again as the blonde crosses her arms. Leans against the counter of their kitchen and watches Cosima with an expression in her eyes that tells the brunette that she just made a big mistake.

“Tell me, then,” Delphine says, “how do you explain that, for someone who has their oxygen on the entire time, you manage to squeeze not one, not two, not three, no, four additional days out of a tank.”

Oh-oh.

“Please, Cosima. Enlighten me, how you manage this, because logic suggests it is impossible.”

The brunette swallows thickly, searching, desperately for a plausible explanation. And comes up empty.

“The only explanation I can think of, would be that you were taking yourself off it for hours at a time, when I am not around. For dance parties with your cousins. For lighting up.”

“Look,” Cosima starts and licks her lips. Takes a step towards Delphine, fingers twitching to touch her. Take her hand and assure her that she’ll, she’ll do better. That they’ll find, a compromise.

But Delphine yanks back her arm and steps away from her. Shakes her head with a shaky breath and then storms past Cosima, towards their bedroom. Leaves the brunette to turn the tank back on and put the cannula back into her nose.

She takes a few breaths, waiting for the shakiness in her legs to stop, for the darkness that’s come creeping steadily closer to subside a little, before she grabs the tank and wheels it after herself. Follows Delphine to the bedroom and stands there, stunned, when she finds the blonde throwing clothes into a leather bag.

“What,” she starts, her voice catching. “What are you doing?”

Delphine shakes her head, continuing her task in silence for a moment, before she goes back to the closet.

“I am so stupid,” she says, as she picks out a dress and holds it up against herself. Gives a sharp shake of her head and puts it back before selecting another.

“I work, every single day, to find a cure for you. And you, you don’t give a shit. All you think of, is getting high-”

Delphine cuts herself off sharply and tosses the dress into the bag before going into the bathroom. Cosima hears her clattering about in there, before she returns with a toiletry bag.

“Did you even know that Leekie asked me to come to a symposium with him a week ago? No, of course you don’t, because that would mean you actually gave a shit about me,” the blonde laughs hollowly. “I told him no, of course. I can’t leave, not when my wife is so sick. Not when my every hour, every minute, is spent trying to find a way to save her life. But it turns out, my wife doesn’t care, so I am wondering, why do I?”

Delphine zips up the bag and picks it up from the bed. Pushes past Cosima and leaves the bedroom.

“Delphine, come on,” the brunette sighs, following her. “Okay, I admit it. I was stupid. I made a mistake-”

“Save it,” the blonde shakes her head, suddenly looking defeated. She goes to grab a bottle of water from the fridge and then gets her purse. Looks down at her keys in her hands, for a moment, before tossing them in. And then reaches up to touch the back of her neck with both hands, her brows dipping in concentration.

It takes Cosima a moment to realize what she’s doing, and by then, Delphine has already pulled off the golden necklace that has her wedding band dangling from it like a pendant. She can’t wear it on her hand, not in the lab, and taking it on and off got annoying, so she bought a necklace and put it on thereHolds it out to Cosima, and when the brunette just stares at her in mute horror, she sighs and carefully puts it onto the counter.

“I’ll be gone for three days. Perhaps you should take that time to think. Think about what it is you’re doing, we’re doing. Figure out what you want,” Delphine tells her.

Then she picks up her bag and leaves. Breezes out the door, the wood slamming back into place behind her. The sound echoes inside the apartment and Cosima’s skull as the brunette tilts her head back and tries to blink back tears.

* * *

Maybe, just maybe, she kind of, perhaps, crossed a line there. Just, slightly. A teensy, tiny bit.

Okay, yes, she ran a bulldozer right over it, no question about it. She violated Delphine’s boundaries and betrayed her trust and she shouldn’t have done that. Only…

Only Cosima can’t help but feel a little, excited, about what she found out, in a way?

Delphine, she has this, this tattered notebook she keeps writing in. Most of it, it’s notes from doctor’s appointments. Lab results, bloodwork, that sort of stuff. She makes her own notes on it, sometimes scribbles new ideas, for possible cures into it. It’s always in her purse.

Except for that time four days ago, when they were at the hospital, waiting for another expert to see Cosima, and Delphine had needed to use the bathroom. She’d left her purse with Cosima, had left it on the waiting area chair next to the brunettes, and just put her pen and book on top before hurrying off. Too much coffee, Cosima had thought, grinning to herself, before her eyes had landed on the notebook, and she’d thought, why not, take a peek? Delphine had been pretty quiet, about her latest research, and she’d wanted to know what they were now looking into, what possible road there was left, so she’d picked it up and started leafing through the thing. And found, much to her surprise, not just medical notes and chemistry equations, but also what looked very much like, writing. Poetry. In French.

She hadn’t known that Delphine was even interested in poetry, hadn’t considered that it could be one of her hobbies. They’ve been “married” for fifteen months now, and never once did she mention anything of the sort to Cosima.

Which, maybe that should have been a sign, to her. To leave it be, to back off. Put the book down again and pretend like she hasn’t seen it.

But the bigger part of Cosima had wanted to know. What Delphine was writing about, what was on her mind. Had wanted to know, if she was any good, as well. So she’d taken a few pictures, with her phone, of some of the pages. And then, late at night, had sent Alison one of them, asking her for a translation. She hadn’t trusted Google Translate with it, and Alison did take French in college.

The answer had come sometime the next afternoon, in the form of an email. A pretty long one, with Alison explaining some nuances of the language that were honestly completely lost to Cosima. It had confused her, how Alison would immediately assume it had been a poem for Cosima, from Delphine, until she’d read over the full translation and felt her eyes widen in surprise at the words on her screen.

_Take me in your arms_  
_Sense how it torments me_  
_I have a secret for you  
_ _Who has been sleeping over there for a long time_

It, stunned her. Made her speechless. Caused Cosima to get up and pace the room three times, before she had to sit down again, her body struggling with the sudden exertion.

Delphine told her, during the second day of their “marriage”, that she’s straight. That she’s never, ever, had any desire to be with anyone else but men. That she couldn’t picture herself in an actual relationship with another woman. And Cosima had accepted it, of course. Had thanked her, for the honesty. Over the months, that conversation, it’s served as a sharp reminder of the boundaries in their relationship. Has often made Cosima come back to Earth, has jarred her back into reality any time she wondered if perhaps there was something more, between the two of them. Besides their friendship and their attempts at convincing other people of how, devoted, and in love they are, with one another.

When Delphine came home from the lab that evening, Cosima had printed out the picture she’d taken, of the poem, and asked her outright, if that was about them. About Delphine and her. If Cosima was that person sleeping.

Delphine had blushed furiously, from her neck to the roots of her hair. Had yanked the paper away from Cosima and shaken with anger and yelled at her, that she had absolutely no right, to go through her private things. That this had been a gross violation of her trust and how could she do this to her, and then switched to ranting French, for almost twenty minutes. Until Cosima could get a word in and remind her that she didn’t speak French, and couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying.

She’s confessed to having sent Alison the poem, to get an accurate translation. Has told Delphine that she hadn’t known, what the content would be. She’d just wanted to know, what she was writing about. To have something else to talk to the blonde about, other than her failing health.

Cosima tries to draw a deep breath and watches Delphine hug the pillow a little closer to her chest. She’s sitting on their bed, cross legged, a pillow in her arms and staring down at the duvet. Cosima’s propped up against the headboard, watching her, and trying to find the right words.

What do you say, when you find out the person you fake-married, who you believed to be straight, turns out to have developed feelings for you?

“I don’t know,” Delphine sighs, reaching up to run a hand through her curls nervously. “It’s not… Not a, precise moment, I guess,” she frowns, tugging on a loose thread poking out at the zipper.

“Okay,” Cosima nods, swallowing thickly. “Do you think it was, before or after the, Leekie symposium episode?”

Delphine draws a ragged breath, looking away. Cosima watches her jaw work for a moment, the tension in her shoulders mounting, before Delphine suddenly slumps.

“Before,” she whispers softly. “I, I think that’s why, I reacted like that,” she continues. “I didn’t really think of it, at the time. I was too, angry, too upset. But when I was on my way back, I was, so nervous,” she breathes, shaking her head. “I didn’t know why, but I felt, panic, at the idea of you perhaps not wanting to continue looking for a cure, of you wanting to stop treatment. The idea of losing you, it terrified me. _Terrifies_ me,” she corrects with a long, slow blink of her eyes. “It took me a long time, to realize that that wasn’t, wasn’t the fear of losing a friend.”

Cosima draws a slow breath, letting out a low whistle.

“I’m, really sorry,” she apologizes, fingers twitching on the covers, straining to touch Delphine. To take her hand as usual, intertwine their fingers and hold it. Kiss the back of it, and lean against her shoulder, just to let her know she’s there. And to feel her there, as well.

“I shouldn’t have done this. And I’m so, so sorry, that I did this to you when you weren’t ready to talk to anyone, much less me, about it.”

Delphine’s lips tug into the briefest of smiles before she falters again.

“I’m sorry, too,” she whispers. “I should have told you when I realized-” she cuts herself off with a shake of her head. “I also betrayed your trust, in a way. You should have known, I should have told you, that this wasn’t just friendship from my side, so you could stop acting like, this,” she murmurs, nodding towards Cosima’s hand that has betrayed her and crept closer to Delphine’s body. The thumb that had been gently stroking over one of the blonde’s knees.

She immediately jerks her hand back, heat burning in her cheeks.

“Sorry,” she apologizes as she shakes out the offending hand. “And really, between the two of us, I think my offense was the bigger one,” she adds with a shake of her head.

“Let’s say we’re even, d’accord?” Delphine offers with a soft smile before growing serious again. Looks away, her brows dipping.

“What do we do now?” she asks after a moment. Turns to look at Cosima again, her green eyes actually meeting Cosima’s for a moment as she searches her face. “If, if you feel that you can’t share a space with me any more-”

“Delphine, hey, no, stop,” Cosima interrupts her quickly, holding up her hands. “Stop, okay? Take a breath,” she tells the blonde. Cosima lifts her brows when Delphine just stares at her, and then the other woman rolls her eyes and does as she’s told. Takes an exaggerated long breath, and then another, this time closing her eyes. When she opens them again, Cosima smiles at her softly.

“Okay. Thanks,” she murmurs, reaching up to rub a hand over her forehead. “I’m, I won’t say it didn’t, surprise me. But it’s not… I’m not, upset. Or angry. I don’t feel betrayed. And I don’t want you to leave. Okay? I lo- I care for you. Okay? You mean, a lot to me. Hell, you’re my wife.”

At that, Delphine lets out a nervous giggle, ducking her head, and Cosima feels her heart stutter in her chest at the softness of it. At the normalcy that the gesture seems to carry.

“I don’t want you to leave,” she repeats softly, leaning forward to take Delphine’s hand. Takes her time, to slowly intertwine their fingers again, and gently strokes her thumb over the back of Delphine’s hand before she lifts it to her mouth and brushes her lips over the back in the softest of kisses. Hears the soft gasp that falls from Delphine’s lips, and then the blonde pulls her hand away in favor of throwing herself on Cosima. Hugs her tightly and hides her face against her neck, sobs starting to shake her frame, and all Cosima can do, is wrap her arms around her and hold her close and shush her while whispering that it will be okay, everything will be okay.

* * *

Cosima frowns at the cards in her hand, contemplating her options. Looks up, to Delphine sitting at the foot of her hospital bed. The surgical mask the woman is wearing is doing a good job concealing her features, though Cosima thinks she might be smiling a little. The corners of her eyes are crinkled a tiny bit.

“Seven,” she finally declares with a decisive nod.

“Go fish,” is the prompt answer, and Cosima groans softly before letting herself fall back on her bed. Throws an arm over her face to cover it in annoyance.

“Are you okay?” Delphine asks immediately and Cosima feels the bed shift.

“Yeah, yeah,” she nods, opening her eyes again. Moves to sit up, but then pauses, only half-pushes upright, resting on her lower arms. Closes her eyes, a wave of nausea washing over her, making her feel like she’s about to throw up yet again.

_Oh please,_ she thinks, _anything but that._

She’s honestly lost count, how many times she’s brought up her food the past weeks. Of how often she has vomited all over herself, not to mention Delphine, as well. And the yellow protective grown hadn’t helped much with that.

She feels Delphine’s hand on her forehead, checking her temperature. Cosima leans over onto one arm, reaching up with the other hand to try and swat at her weakly before she collapses back onto the mattress.

“’M fine,” she mumbles, biting back a groan at the sensation of plastic against her chin, the kidney bowl Delphine has handed her in hopes of catching whatever she brings up.

“You don’t feel hot,” the blonde tells her softly, rubbing her hand over Cosima’s back in gentle circles.

“Don’stop,” Cosima whines when she pulls away after a few moments.

“Chérie,” Delphine whispers, stroking her cheek for a moment. “Let me put the cards away, okay? And get you something to drink,” she adds, pulling back again.

Cosima opens her eyes to watch her pour some water into a sippy cup, before adding the contents of one of the syringes on the bedside table. Anti-nausea medication. The thought of which makes Cosima shudder already, the stuff tastes absolutely awful. Like peppermint, if someone had only a vague idea what it should taste like and drowned it in bitterness

“Here,” Delphine mutters, putting the lid onto the cup and helping Cosima lift her head so she can drink. It’s, embarrassing. Her wife/girlfriend has to help her drink from a bloody sippy cup, as if she’s an sick toddler.

“Good job,” the blonde murmurs when Cosima manages to nearly finish the whole cup. Touches her lips to the brunette’s temple. The paper of the mask is scratchy against her skin, and this is a wholly unsatisfactory approximation of a kiss.

“Do you want more?”

“No,” Cosima breathes, closing her eyes again as she counts in her head, to distract herself from the nausea rolling in her stomach. Twenty minutes. She has to keep this down for twenty minutes, ideally. Ten until it begins to work a little, fifteen and she will be able to ignore most of the nausea, twenty and it’s usually gone completely. Twenty minutes. Just let her keep it down for that long.

Delphine touches her neck gently, stroking the skin. Cosima can hear her puttering about after she withdraws, putting the card game away. Feels her straighten the bedsheet and pull the blanket up over Cosima’s curled-up body.

“How much longer?” she asks as she opens her eyes again.

“Not much,” Delphine tells her, looking at her watch, and Cosima rolls her eyes.

“Not that,” she shakes her head before reaching down to take her hand. “I meant, this.”

“Oh,” Delphine breathes and Cosima can see the tips of her ears turning red. She’s blushing under that surgical mask, the action causing a grin to tug on Cosima’s chapped lips.

“A few more days,” the blonde tells her, squeezing her hand.

“Yeah, I think I heard that before,” Cosima rolls her eyes with a dry chuckle. Watches as Delphine’s eyes widen slightly and sees her jaw drop for a moment.

That had been a very different conversation. One that involved some very heavy making out and Cosima rolling her hips up into Delphine’s before catching herself.

They were, taking things slowly. Giving each other time and space, to adjust. Cosima had especially wanted Delphine to have time, to breathe, and process. Hadn’t wanted to push her or force her to do anything the blonde hadn’t been ready for. Since her, sort-of coming out had been forced, Cosima had wanted everything else that they might do, with each other, to be at the blonde’s pace.

It is kind of ironic, though. That just as Delphine was about to be ready to have sex with her, to _make love_ to Cosima, they’ve found a bone marrow donor for her. Just a few days before Delphine would have been able to file for divorce and be free of, all of this. Not that Cosima thinks she’d do that

“Yes, well, it wasn’t me who ruined those plans,” Delphine tosses at her, causing Cosima to let out a laugh.

“Forgive me for getting a marrow donor,” she rolls her eyes. Sees Delphine’s eyes crinkle, before she sobers. Reaches out and cradles Cosima’s face.

“Never,” she whispers, meeting her eyes. “I am so, so very glad, so thankful for that. I would wait a hundred years longer, if that is what it took, to get you healthy.”

“You’re just a huge sap, aren’t you,” Cosima whispers, reaching up to touch her hands. Wraps her fingers around Delphine’s wrists and sees the blonde’s eyes dart to them. Can already see her begin to panic and resists the urge to roll her eyes. She’ll disinfect them twice, it’ll be fine. Besides, Delphine scrubs hers every other hour. It is pretty ridiculous, the lengths the blonde will go to, to make sure that Cosima doesn’t catch, anything.

They’ve zapped her immune system, prior to the transplant. It’s still regenerating now, still weak. Any bug she might catch would pose a severe risk. But Cosima’s always been one to live a little dangerously, and she has been missing Delphine’s touches.

“Come on,” she murmurs. “This sucks so much already. You won’t let me kiss you, at least give me that.”

“I should hope not!” Delphine exclaims, clearly horrified at the idea of kissing an immuno-compromised Cosima. “I’m not risking your health just to, suck face.”

“Suck face?” Cosima repeats with a laugh before she narrows her eyes at her wife/girlfriend. “Have you been talking to Sarah again?”

“The bisexuals have to stick together, non?” Delphine teases her, pulling her hands free to card the fingers of one through the fluffy tendrils of Cosima’s hair.

The treatment they devised, the cure they came up with, it was, pretty aggressive. Halfway through, it made Cosima’s hair begin to fall out. She’d been ready to just let the doctors shave her head at that point, figuring that asking for someone of the staff to take her dreads down so that the dead hair could fall out naturally would have been too much. Instead, Delphine had taken it upon herself to spent two entire days carefully taking out Cosima’s dreads and then cutting her natural hair into some semblance of a haircut.

It’ll grow back eventually, and with the treatment finished now, the bone marrow donation having been the last step, it might start growing back soon. It has stopped falling out, at least, so that’s a win in Cosima’s eyes.

She might actually end up not getting dreads again, she thinks as she closes her eyes and a content sigh leaves her. The sensation of Delphine carefully running her fingers through her wavy fluff feels pretty amazing, Cosima has to admit.

“I feel like, introducing you two was a bad move,” Cosima mumbles, exhaustion starting to get the better of her.

“Perhaps,” Delphine allows, sounding just a tad amused before Cosima can feel the paper of the mask touching her temple again.

“Rest,” she whispers and Cosima tries to protest, but she can’t quite form the words, and then sleep has pulled her under already, her body too battered to allow her conscious to put up a fight.

* * *

She’s, absolutely stunning. Cosima feels her jaw slacken at the sight of Delphine in the white sleeveless dress, her curls pinned up, white lily resting in her hair just above her left ear.

She swallows thickly, shifting on the soft sand beneath her feet. Hears Delphine’s incredulous giggle in her ear.

_What do you mean I won’t need new shoes?_

Beach wedding. At sunset. Just like Delphine had confessed she’d used to dream about, as a teenager.

Well, okay, technically, it’s not a wedding, only a renewal of vows. Still, Cosima had wanted it to be as close to the wedding that her wife had been dreaming about, as a child.

A renewal of their vows, on the anniversary of their first meeting. Their third wedding anniversary.

Delphine had argued that they should wait another year. Cosima is in the middle of writing her thesis and they’ve just put down a down payment for a house. Arranging a wedding on top of that had seemed, crazy, not to mention the expense it would bring. But Cosima hadn’t wanted to wait for another year. She wanted to do it as soon as possible, this time with her parents and their friends around. Cosima knows that they all put money together to get them a two week vacation on the south of France as their, second honeymoon. First one, really, because they didn’t do one when they initially got married, for obvious reasons. It had to be the south, though, because Delphine grew up around Paris, before being shipped off to boarding school, and while Cosima wants to see her wife’s home country, she also wants to make new memories, with her, and not relive old, painful ones.

As soon as her dad and Delphine reach her, the blonde reaches for Cosima, taking her hands to everyone’s amusement. Cosima beams up at her, giving Delphine’s hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

“Ready to do this?” she asks her as her dad steps away to stand with the others. Delphine swallows before nodding.

“Oui,” she breathes, smiling softly down at her. “I am ready to be with you. Forever. Let’s do this. Again,” she adds with a grin and Cosima lets out a giggle, squeezing the blonde’s hands as she nods.

“Okay,” she breathes, dropping one of Delphine’s hands so that they can turn to the Minister of the Peace and do this. Again.

fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading. i hope each and every one of you had a lovely Pride!


End file.
